Dialectiwhat?: Turning the Mind Toward Acceptance

It’s 7am and Im starting my morning routine with a smile on my face. I greet my babies, start the coffee, check my phone for messages, and put on my workout clothes. Things are as they SHOULD be…for now. My 5 year old is watching a show on her tablet (don’t judge me) until an error message pops up and she loses her mind, screeching in terror because IT’S BROKEN!!!!!!! (Why doesn’t this stupid thing not work the way it is supposed to? Technology sucks. ) I take a deep breath, turn on the TV (still not judging me), and the world is again as it should be. I pack the kids up, get them off to daycare, and head to my morning spin class. And things are exactly right. My favorite instructor is smiling up in front, the music starts, and I’m in my zone. It’s song 12, the final sprint, and Im looking forward to my cold towel and the satisfaction of completing a good workout. I’m riding like a champ until my legs are on fire and suddenly  a shooting pain through my knee knocks me down. (This cannot be happening. Spinning is safe, non-weight-bearing exercise and this SHOULD NOT be happening. I’m only 40 – everyone else in here is obviously fine. This is not fair). Recovering from this event is not as smooth. I get into my car, and suddenly the world is made up of idiots and assholes. A woman is texting and not getting out of the parking lot fast enough (Seriously? Are you seriously doing this right now?) I get home with 45 minutes to spare before I leave for work. I manage to get a shower, get something to eat, and get out the door in just enough time to make it to work. I have forgotten about my knee, and things are again lining up in a world that makes sense. My commute is only 10 minutes and I don’t start until noon so thankfully I NEVER have to deal with traffic. I get onto the freeway to travel one exit before getting off…and the offramp is closed, sending me on a detour. (WTF!! The ONE ramp I need on the ONE exit I traveled to get to work?!?! What are these guys even doing?? It doesn’t look like anything is broken. The freeway shouldn’t be closed.  Freeway construction is bullshit. Orange County is bullshit.)  I’m 5 hours into a typical day, and already I am flooded with evidence that things are not at all as they SHOULD be. You should see me on a day when the scale doesn’t read as it is supposed to…but that’s a topic for another day.

I’m not exactly sure why we, as humans, get so stuck in this trap. I know most of us were told “life isn’t fair,” but clearly that message, in its patronizing, invalidating tone, didn’t get in. Perhaps because even our parents didn’t really believe it.  What would it mean to get “unstuck” from the SHOULDS? While I have (clearly) not mastered this myself, I do have some ideas. If we can notice and label “nonacceptance” when it occurs, we then have an opportunity to turn the mind toward acceptance. Nonacceptance often shows up in familiar phrases like “this isn’t fair, why is this happening, this shouldn’t be this way, this is bullshit, this is unacceptable…” and the thoughts are usually followed by a spike of anger or frustration. If we are mindful of our thoughts, we will hear the nonacceptance. Or perhaps our first awareness is that spike of emotion. Either way, we now have an option to stop and “turn the mind.” Turning the mind is the willingness to mentally approach things in a different way. In this case, it’s the willingness to accept reality and acknowledge that things are just as they should be. We may not like what is happening, but we can eliminate the extra suffering by accepting that it is in fact happening. But what if something IS unacceptable? What if a child dies, or someone gets abused, or an innocent person gets sent to prison? These kinds of events are, of course, the most challenging to accept. Anyone would struggle to accept such a loss. And yet, there isn’t a single reality that doesn’t warrant acceptance. Nonacceptance is not a problem solving strategy. Saying something is unacceptable does not make it un-happen. When we are able to turn the mind, we will likely  notice a different emotion. Anger or frustration may be replaced by sadness. And when that is uncomfortable, our brain may go back to problem solving with nonacceptance. So we turn the mind back, over and over, sinking into acceptance. Not because we are “okay with it” or like it… because IT is.

-Dr. Julie Orris