Glitch in the System: Comparing Outsides to Insides
I have come to the conclusion that others are much happier than I am. They are more satisfied with their lives, their bodies, their jobs, their spouses, and their homes. Everyone, at least everyone in Orange County, is far more comfortable in social situations – they are more confident, more sure of what to say, and don’t worry about making mistakes. Perhaps the most difficult reality my thoughts would have me face is that the moms in Orange County, and especially the moms of my daughter’s friends and classmates, are better moms. They aren’t in chaos every morning, worrying and forgetting and getting angry. They are more naturally maternal and have a sense of “knowing” that I do not have – knowing what to do, what to say, and how to nurture their children. And all of this would make me incredibly sad and quite lonely. If it were true. If I fell into the trap…
“Comparing outsides to insides” is an error we humans will likely make if we aren’t mindful of it. We are aware of our own thoughts and emotions and compare that experience to what others show on the outside. I know my worries, insecurities, judgments, fears, frustrations, and shame all very well. My anger sends heat waves throughout my body – my fear climbs up in my throat. My shame sits in my stomach and behind my eyes, making it hard for me to lift my gaze and face other humans. A fast, unrelenting internal dialogue of judgements, reservations, and why did I say thats pepper every social interaction. A deep sense of regret follows many parenting moments. But you didn’t know that, did you? Here’s what you know…
I appear confident and seem to have the words for every situation. I am outgoing and entertaining, sarcastic and unapologetic. I can be warm and compassionate at the right times and seem to make friends easily. I am emotional, but regulated – quite comfortable in my skin. I rarely ask for help and I teach others how to do relationships, parenting, and life in general. So, we could conclude that I have it all together and know exactly what Im doing most of the time… I MUST have different insides. Mine must be quiet and calm, and self-assured. Mine must be more evolved. My insides must be better than yours. You would believe this if you compared insides to outsides. So, how do we avoid falling into the trap?
Being mindful of the glitch in the system is the path to freedom. Once we are aware that we are doing this, we simply name it. Once we are aware, the thought can just be a thought and no longer dictates our emotion and behavior. Try watching your thoughts more closely the next time you are in a social situation. 10 points if you can name this glitch!
-Dr. Julie Orris
