How to always get what you want and keep others happy (Part II)

If you read part I of this post, you know that it is in fact not possible to always get what you want and keep others happy. This round is for the folks who are more invested in the latter…and I won’t use the phrase “people pleasers” here because I don’t find that to be quite accurate. The reality is that we are all driven by our own emotion. Some of us have a stronger emotional reaction to disappointing others than we do to giving up something that we want. When that happens, we find the most relief in accommodating others, so that’s what we do. This is a great strategy if your goal is to regulate your emotion. But what if your goal is to increase self respect or get your needs met in a relationship? If your default is pressing the relief button and giving in to avoid disappointing others, you may be contributing to a long term pattern that will diminish self-respect, build resentment, and possibly allow others to take advantage of you. Sound familiar?

The key is finding balance. In order to balance your needs and the needs of others, you will need LOTS of practice tolerating that initial spike of uncomfortable emotion (probably fear or shame) when asking for what you want or saying no. Your brain will have to learn that this is, in fact, not a threat. Once your brain has learned there is no threat (after you asking for what you want or saying no many times and overriding that emotion), the emotion will lose its function and you will likely be habituated to the experience. In other words, if you are not driven by your emotion, you can become more balanced in assertiveness. The result? Well, you will just have to see…

-Dr. Julie Orris