How to always get what you want and keep others happy: Part I
Just kidding (laughing face emoji). Not possible.
I was recently informed by a highly valid and reliable measure (a Facebook quiz) that my personality is 97% driven by my assertiveness. Truth be told, that may not be so far off. Sounds like a good thing, right? Yes and No. When I look back on early adult years and the struggles I had in relationships, I can see how my assertiveness got in my way. I am a naturally direct communicator and have always been bold in approaching others. What I was not so natural at was reading the impact I was having and thus how asking for what I want or saying no was taking away from the relationship. I hadn’t yet learned that just because others say yes doesn’t mean there hasn’t been a cost. I didn’t understand the nuances of someone tentatively agreeing to something or hinting at disappointment when I said no. I have learned the hard way that to be assertive AND have healthy relationships means being highly intentional about the words I use and acutely attuned to the impact on the other. That means, when I ask my husband to pick something up on his way home from a 12 hour work day, I must add things like “I know you have had a long day, and if you are too exhausted I can do without cilantro tonight.” It means that if I am going to say no to something I have to tell the truth about why I am saying no. And if I can’t tell the truth, then I probably shouldn’t be saying no (so I have to show up). It means that I have to tolerate distress and not address most things that bother me because the cost to the relationship outweighs the impact on me or the importance of, for example, getting someone not to chew so loudly. I know that when I acknowledge the impact my request or refusal has on the other person, it makes them feel better about it. So I take the extra step. I say the extra words. And I repair when I forget.
For those of you struggling on the other side of the spectrum, stay tuned. Next time on the blog: “What if I say no and someone gets mad at me? “
-Dr. Julie Orris
